Journal Entries

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APRIL 18,2017                                                                       



Writing allowed me to lift myself

By releasing darkness that long lived in me, onto the canvas

Removing them from a formerly unilluminated cavern

In my mind

Where they ran rampant in the most idle times

They were no longer paralyzingly deafening

They were now instrumental in marking my rise throughout many adversities

On the page they were animated

In form I could observe with nuance

Not faltered by self deprecating thoughts

Of the minds aimlessness

I saw them in ways I couldn’t without  

Releasing them from a place that only

Gave them a dementing name

A place that kept them in obscurity

Filtered by self demeaning thoughts

APRIL 25,2017


Prosed in my journal pages is the word, dark

With little or no light

The only word appropriate enough

To encompass the despondency that lies deep in my soul

All things are composed of light

To feel the absence of it

Symbolizes something

To be alive, but to feel

Torn to bits by the things surrounding you

As if the light holds no correspondency

In complements of the darkness

That circumstances entrail

Like the sun touches things but casts

A shadow in doing so

To be the shadow versus the object being casted onto

Ignorant to the warm embrace of it as it touches you

Though inner outcries are louder than any outside ones

I’ve been Blinded by the wake of the battles I fought yesterday

To see today

MAY 7,2017


I wish for the love I give to others, to be ever expanding like the universe

To let go of all my hurt

But how can one appreciate the rainbow, when the rain is continuously falling with relentless power?

You would think I wouldn’t feel it by now, but it is more stinging every time

As if numbness in my body was separate from the sensations in my heart

I’m getting tired now

I did not think I could withstand this

I feel like I will shed my skin, as if it will just fall off

As my spirit takes off

Spilling every revelation meant to be hidden

Finally giving in to the deteriorating acid pushing outwards

It was like an eternal suffering

Every part furthering it to oblivion

See my body was not built to endure this

But my spirit is one of grandeur

For instead of screaming for help

It hid in convalescence

With not a single indication of the indignation if faced

All the time

It smiled when it felt the weakest

But now it’s becoming too much

It longs for pain stakingly healing light

The remnants of a long fought and ongoing battle have started to be seen

So now more than ever, they must be relieved.

MAY 10,2017


I tried to chase you, but I found myself running in circles.

See I was just a game to you

always there at your disposal 

when the feeling arose

you weren’t a game to me though

I looked in your eyes and felt an all-time high

I instantly became addicted

but then you started to fade

I always wanted to feel your body against mine 

your eyes in my gaze

but I couldn’t 

so I had no choice but to try to forget

each time you came back 

I fought with every ounce of my body 

but it still craved your presence 

no matter how much damage you did

impaired in deflecting impulses 

you made me defenseless

I grew exhausted of waiting for something that would never be mine

I remained confused 

how could I feel so touched by someone

who was the cause of my inner abuse?

If you didn’t love me 

why did you lure me back each time I tried to walk away?

MAY 23,2017


I feel so stupid

Why’d it take me so long?
To realize that me thinking about you at 1AM

Wasn’t gonna bring you to me

Each text I sent without a reply, Wasn’t gonna make you interested

Each longing for you to surround me with your embrace,

Only further intensified my self loathing

Because the longer you didn’t want me,

The more I felt I wasn’t good enough

Why did I fool myself into thinking that someone’s validation could save me?

Like I didn’t know it could only come from me

As if it could stop the glaringly obvious

It only underlined why

I kept trying to find love where there was none for me

Because I was gasping for it inside me, where it was vacant

I hope you’re not mad I’m not replying now

Because I am done searching for love where it does not find me

Only I can alter the image I see in the mirror